i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
