Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
