he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
