The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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