Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
