if only i could text you this smell
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
