Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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