Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
