i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
