You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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