May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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