My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
