The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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