saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
