i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
