Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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