There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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