I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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