Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
