Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
