I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
