Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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