shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
