nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
