If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
