my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
