i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
