I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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