When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
