guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
