is your mom at the bar?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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