Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
