weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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