i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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