my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
