halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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