I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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