I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
