Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
