Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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