He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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