uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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