all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
