i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
