Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
