I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
