My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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