So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
