Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
