We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
