well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
