Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
