you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
