is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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