I didn't shave. On purpose
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So vagazzling was a success
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
