I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
