I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize