can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize