i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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