Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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